Monday, 26 March 2012

How to Avoid Kissing Your Parents in Public

by Lindsay Macrae

Before moving to Fuerte, we left most of children’s books to the charity shops. I’m glad that Yuri decided to keep this one. (If I’m not mistaken, it came from Oxfam in the first place.) I think all kids and all parents should read this book.

Time-saving Tips for Parents

Dads spend time shaving their faces
Mums spend time shaving their legs
They should save the time spent shaving
Spending time in bed instead.

The World’s Most Popular Mother

My mother goes all weird
When friends come round to tea
She’s always nicer to the friend
Than she ever is to me

We have to eat at table
We have to wash our hands
And have grown-up conversations
About summer holiday plans

The dog stays in the garden
’case he slobbers on the guest
And mum says something really dumb
Like ‘Have you changed your vest?’

Also she puts her phone voice on
The one she thinks sounds nice
The toilet’s suddenly the ‘loo’
Our house becomes a ‘hice’

Before you’ve finished eating
She’ll whisk away your plate
Then get your baby photos out
The ones you really hate

She goes all hip and trendy
Asks them, ‘Who’re your favourite bands?’
You watch your friend in horror
Become putty in her hands

Before you even know it
Cos they think your mum’s so cool
You’ll be sitting down to tea
With half the flipping school.

How Was School?

Mum can’t see why it’s uncool
To ask me cheerfully
‘How was school?’
She shakes her head and rolls her eyes
To all of the following replies:
‘All right
Not bad
You what?
It went
It was
Couldn’t really say
It’s dust
It’s over
Stop nagging will you
What’s for tea?
Same stuff
The usual
Can’t remember
Ask me again in mid-December
Did some work
Then sang a hymn.’
My mum is such a peculiar creature
She knows how school is
She’s the teacher!!

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