How to Avoid Kissing Your Parents in Public

by Lindsay Macrae

Before moving to Fuerte, we left most of children’s books to the charity shops. I’m glad that Yuri decided to keep this one. (If I’m not mistaken, it came from Oxfam in the first place.) I think all kids and all parents should read this book.

Time-saving Tips for Parents Dads spend time shaving their faces Mums spend time shaving their legs They should save the time spent shaving Spending time in bed instead.

The World’s Most Popular Mother My mother goes all weird When friends come round to tea She’s always nicer to the friend Than she ever is to me We have to eat at table We have to wash our hands And have grown-up conversations About summer holiday plans The dog stays in the garden ’case he slobbers on the guest And mum says something really dumb Like ‘Have you changed your vest?’ Also she puts her phone voice on The one she thinks sounds nice The toilet’s suddenly the ‘loo’ Our house becomes a ‘hice’ Before you’ve finished eating She’ll whisk away your plate Then get your baby photos out The ones you really hate She goes all hip and trendy Asks them, ‘Who’re your favourite bands?’ You watch your friend in horror Become putty in her hands Before you even know it Cos they think your mum’s so cool You’ll be sitting down to tea With half the flipping school.

How Was School? Mum can’t see why it’s uncool To ask me cheerfully ‘How was school?’ She shakes her head and rolls her eyes To all of the following replies: ‘All right Not bad You what? OK It went It was Couldn’t really say It’s dust It’s over History Stop nagging will you What’s for tea? Same stuff The usual Can’t remember Ask me again in mid-December Boring Pointless Stupid Grim Did some work Then sang a hymn.’ My mum is such a peculiar creature She knows how school is She’s the teacher!!