The Nurse’s Song / Песня няни президента США

by Roald Dahl
translated by Mark Freidkin

This poem appears in Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator, which I read last time some 20 years ago. I completely forgot about the POTUS and his nanny appearing there until I, quite by chance, came across the page of wonderful Roald Dahl translations by Mark Freidkin — yes, the very same translator of «Книга бессмыслиц». Enjoy!

Roald Dahl The Nurse’s Song

Роальд Даль, перевод Марка Фрейдкина Песня няни президента США

This mighty man of whom I sing, The greatest of them all, Was once a teeny little thing, Just eighteen inches tall. I knew him as a tiny tot, I nursed him on my knee. I used to sit him on the pot And wait for him to wee. I always washed between his toes, And cut his little nails. I brushed his hair and wiped his nose And weighed him on the scales. Through happy childhood days he strayed, As all nice children should. I smacked him when he disobeyed, And stopped when he was good. It soon began to dawn on me He wasn’t very bright, Because when he was twenty-three He couldn’t read or write. “What shall we do?” his parents sob. “The boy has got the vapors! He couldn’t even get a job Delivering the papers!” “Ah-ha,” I said, “this little clot Could be a politician.” “Nanny,” he cried, “Oh Nanny, what A super proposition!” “Okay,” I said, “let’s learn and note The art of politics. Let’s teach you how to miss the boat And how to drop some bricks, And how to win the people’s vote And lots of other tricks. Let’s learn to make a speech a day Upon the TV screen, In which you never never say Exactly what you mean. And most important, by the way, Is not to let your teeth decay, And keep your fingers clean.” And now that I am eighty nine, It’s too late to repent. The fault was mine the little swine Became the President.

Великой нации отец, Что всем нам так знаком, Когда-то был совсем малец, Под стол ходил пешком. Он был малявка, просто тля. Его (коль он хотел) Я на горшок сажала для Больших и малых дел. Его купала я не раз, Чтоб мальчик лучше рос, И утирала что ни час Его сопливый нос. И чтобы детство день за днём Безоблачней текло, Ему всыпала я ремнём По первое число. Ведь был он (стоит ли скрывать?) Не вундеркинд — о нет! И сколько будет пятью пять, Узнал лишь в двадцать лет. «Как парень дальше будет жить? — Все недоумевали. — Ведь и газеты разносить Возьмут его едва ли!» Но я сказала: «Не беда, Что мальчик прост немного. Таким в политике всегда Открытая дорога!» Он знает, как попасть впросак Расчётливо и метко, И наломать дрова мастак, Каких увидишь редко, И элегантен, как верстак, И туп, как табуретка. Он может чушь пороть подряд И два, и три часа, Что очень важно, говорят, В борьбе за голоса. Плюс строгий галстук, честный взгляд, Зубов здоровых ровный ряд — Они в день выборов творят Большие чудеса. И в результате тех чудес (А здесь лишь я виною) Через Конгресс пролез балбес Руководить страною.

To put both poems into historical context: Dahl’s novel was published in 1972. The book «Детские бестселлеры» contaning its Russian translation appeared in 2001. Of course, Dahl and Freidkin were thinking of different presidents. Which president do you think of?

The Lord of the Rings

a film trilogy by Peter Jackson

“I think Mr. C.S. Lewis is a very good writer. But he has one failing. There are no funny bits in his books.”
“You are right there,” Miss Honey said.
“There aren’t many funny bits in Mr. Tolkien either,” Matilda said.

I cannot agree more with Roald Dahl’s heroine. With all due respect, J.R.R. Tolkien is not funny. Of course, Peter Jackson’s trilogy has some incredibly cool battle scenes, but I wouldn’t want to watch it more than once if not for humour that is sorely missing from the book. Alas, a lot of material, including some really funny episodes, did not make into theatrical release. To fully appreciate the LotR movies, you have to watch this extended edition. It will take 11 hours to sit through the six DVDs though.

Make no mistake: LotR has some of the greatest as well as some of the most embarrassing moments in modern cinema. The latter include the silly battle-cum-break-dance between two elderly wizards in The Fellowship of the Ring; Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen) singing in The Return of the King; and almost every scene involving Frodo (Elijah Wood). Throughout the movies, Frodo cycles between three equally creepy states: distressed and agitated; rolling his blue eyes (otherwise doing nothing); and smiling while thinking about the Shire (and doing nothing). Yuck! His sidekick Sam (Sean Astin) is marginally better, although by the third film he becomes as unbearable as Frodo. Most probably because, as we know, he’s always stuffing his face when Master’s not looking.

On the contrary, Merry (Dominic Monaghan) and Pippin (Billy Boyd — I love his accent) are there to provide comic relief, as well as some real action. Ditto Gimli (John Rhys-Davies), always in competition with Legolas (Orlando Bloom). Gandalf (Ian McKellen) appears to have a good sense of humour too (“Do not mention Frodo, or the Ring. And say nothing of Aragorn either. In fact, it’s better if you don’t speak at all, Peregrin Took”). However, my absolutely favourite character is Gollum/Sméagol (Andy Serkis). I am looking forward to his reappearance in The Hobbit.

Fantastic Mr. Fox

a film by Wes Anderson

By some reason, we did not go to see Fantastic Mr. Fox when it was in the movies. Now kids have borrowed the DVD from the library and I got to watch it with them. I’ve enjoyed it a lot. I think Roald Dahl would also approve of it. Somehow, stop-motion animation seems to be the ideal medium for the story. And the dialogue is great.

Mrs. Fox: Why is he wearing that bandit hat?
Mr. Fox: His ears were cold — he’s not with us — go back to bed!

A quick opinion poll has revealed that Kylie the opossum (voiced by Wallace Wolodarsky) is my and kids’ favourite character. Yes I know there are no opossums in the book, or in England, for that matter. So what? Maybe he is a skilled migrant.